Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Unmeetable Standard of Strict Christianity

I feel guilty a lot. I look at my life and I see some of the mistakes and failures that I choose consciously and subconsciously every day. As I get older and gain more knowledge, and hopefully wisdom, I see more of these errors. The reason I view these actions or inactions as mistakes, failures, etc is due to my moral beliefs based upon the life of Jesus, morals in literature, and my experiences growing up. This has led to a point where I have developed a very strict standard of what is ideal morally. For example it appears to me that if I strive for perfection I should care for the poor. That is a beautiful ideal but what does it mean to commit to caring for the poor as well as I am able? I see myself go out and purchase fast food, expensive snacks at the store, candy, Dr. pepper (of course), etc. These are luxury goods that I do not need. They are wants that I indulge in. If I were properly taking care of the poor wouldn't I instead eat healthy meals that are the least expensive? Wouldn't I take the money I saved from that and use it myself to buy food for the poor or give it to people who do it more efficiently than I can? To take this further I can name at least 15 luxury items in my home off the top of my head that serve as entertainment to myself. Shouldn't I sell those things or give them away? Perhaps even destroy them entirely so they don't consume someone else's time as easily as they have mine. I can apply this to my personal interactions as well. Every time I hear a demeaning joke about someone shouldn't I as a Christian suggest a better alternative or at the least express my disagreement with the action of telling such jokes? When I hear someone speak of an issue that has been bothering them shouldn't I offer some consolation? These are a small sample of the vast amount of situations I have seen, heard, or experienced where I see an ideal response and do not perform it. I do not have difficulty imagining that God will forgive these things because in my own flawed and incomplete love that I have for my family I have no difficulty practicing forgiveness for them (most of the time;) However I look at myself and I have difficulty accepting that I am living even close to what God would have me live. I make the assumption from this that I have insufficient love, faith, courage, whatever, to perform as well as his desires and that though makes me feel guilty. I think my guilt stems from a dissatisfaction with who I am. I feel like I am a leech sucking undeserved grace from the blood of Jesus. The beauty of it is that Jesus always maintained that he welcomes all leeches. If we are willing to latch onto him he is more than willing to imbibe us in all the grace we need and more. Since this is the case I conclude (correct me if you disagree) that I am so dissatisfied with my own level of morality that I find myself disgusting. God has grace enough for all but I do not have grace enough for myself. I am ashamed of myself and the progress I have made through my life. What Jesus has done for me cannot be repayed yet I would expect myself to have enough gratitude to try much harder than I do. I have no answers in this post. I still have not found a way to remedy this guilt. My questions to my reader are these: How do you accept yourself with all of your failings? How do you sleep at night knowing how badly you have failed today?
I understand that most of the people I know do not have as lofty of a moral standard they hold to. Since this is the case I thought I would write out some of the ideals that I would like to live by on a daily basis. These things are specific applications of the "love others more than yourself" ideal that is repeatedly pointed out as the highest moral to live by concerning humans treatment of each other. I use the word need(s) many time in this list. This is a subjective word so in this case you can view needs as physical requirements for survival or living closer to the same moral code that I see as true. While this may sound arrogant it seems logical to me that all Christians that evangelize have this same objective when the argument is broken down. Also the word serve in this list merely means to meet or assist someone in meeting their needs.

1. Eat, dress, and consume as simply as possible and give excess to the needy.
2. Never tell a lie unless it is to benefit someone else's need (a rare, rare, circumstance)
3. In every conversation work towards saying something that will benefit the needs of the other party(s)
4. Consciously attempt to maintain as many relationships as you can to serve the people in those relationships. (This usually requires at least some kind of weekly to monthly communication.)
5. Say nothing if it will not improve a relationship or move someone towards their needs.
6. If a person has free time they should either use it to refresh themselves so they can serve others or actually serve.
7. Verbally compliment any action of service you gain knowledge of.
8. Never boast of your service and always redirect boasts directed at your service to God.
9. When given a gift accept it with grace and thanks so that you may better understand the roles of both gifter and giftee as well as encourage the action of giving.
10. Treat everyone as if they were made in the image of God believing that He can work through you to work through them.

That is a short list of things I see as perfect or close to perfect ideals. I have difficult accepting that I am trying very hard to reach those goals. So I'm left with little improvement and writing about the guilt I am experiencing. I think that is what is called "wallowing in self-pity" a shortcoming on my unwritten list. What do you think I should do?

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